« December 2011 | Main | February 2012 »
Changing our mental landscapes to accomodate more positive reinforcement and self-love is difficult- I struggle with it every day. I am learning that my troubles with food stem from a much darker, deeper-seated force than simple self-doubt, and that this force also governs my interactions with others; it also particularly governs the way I speak to, and inevitably view myself.
One thing about an eating disorder is that it can be exactly like an addiction. I realize I spend a lot of time and energy thinking about food, obsessing over how and when and how much, and each meal becomes a battle against the desire to keep eating when I know I'm not hungry, or never even was in the first place. This is a classic set of symptoms called Binge Eating Disorder, and it is the single most diagnosed eating disorder among those who seek help. It's what I have.
I've known something was wrong about the way I eat for some time- looking back I can see how after my kidney transplant surgery, things started to get a little difficult in the emotional department for me. All excuses aside, I have decided to begin seeking treatment for what is referred to by many medical professionals as Disordered Eating.
This time of year I always sart to feel a little pent-up, a little sick of the grey, a little expectant. Even though real winter weather has only been here for a few weeks, I'm still starting to crave the early Spring, the sun, and not having to wear 15 layers to get anything done. So I decided to go to Iowa.
I've worked from home for a long while, picking up little odd jobs here and there, blogging, baking, and doing 'my own thing' to make ends meet. I got a dose of a "real job" this weekend as I got called in to work at the Playmaker's Sidewalk Sale, and was reminded of both what I love and hate about punching a clock.
Sometimes I hit the road, treadmill, or gym and feel like a million bucks when I'm finished working out. Other times, I drag my sorry butt slowly through my routine, or what I can finish of it, and trudge home barely able to stay focused long enough to drive home where I can collapse into a nap. After the Holiday Buzz has worn off, this long stretch of No-Man's Land before Spring often gives me much more of the latter.
If you are a runner, or if you know one well, we are a bit of a control-freak bunch, and as 2012 begins, all of us are hauling out our planners and starting to fill in the blanks of races we already know we want to run, arranging our lives tetris-style around training plans and goal events. I wanted to focus on quality, not quantity, for my 2012 races, so I started filling in blanks of my own.
My husband came across the real estate photo for our house inside an old notebook of his today, on one of those fliers left outside the property for potential buyers. These fliers have all the basic info about a house, like how many rooms the house has and what size they are, what type of sewer hook-up it has, and how large the lot is. The black and white photo of our house looked naked and blank, expressionless...and full of possibility.
