The In-Between

One thing about an eating disorder is that it can be exactly like an addiction. I realize I spend a lot of time and energy thinking about food, obsessing over how and when and how much, and each meal becomes a battle against the desire to keep eating when I know I'm not hungry, or never even was in the first place. This is a classic set of symptoms called Binge Eating Disorder, and it is the single most diagnosed eating disorder among those who seek help. It's what I have.

Another thing about eating disorders is that it is nearly impossible to get better by yourself. Sure, I will do fine if I meticulously plan out each meal, calorie by calorie, so I have a plan to stick to for a few days, or maybe a week. But before I know what is happening, I'm back to old habits again, and I'm repeating the same disastrous patterns over and over. The trouble is that we humans need food to survive- if only I could stop eating altogether...but that would be a different disorder. The trouble is my plan only gets me through one meal- it's the in-between times that seem to take on a mind of their own.

As a yoga practitioner, I practice keeping single-pointed focus on my breath- paying attention singularly to the entire inhale and the entire exhale- it's very difficult, even after years of practice. Getting through the in-between times requires single-mindedness so I can remain acutely aware...the moment I lose my focus on getting better, I have fallen back into old habits once again, and I have to start over from the beginning once more. So far I have made it 3 days without over-eating, and without negative mental chatter over my food choices, which is a huge step in the right direction.